I just want to know he thinks about me from time to time, that he wants me with him or wants to see me. I know we live together and see each other all the time, but it doesn’t ever feel like we’re together. Like he wants to be with me.
I feel like I have to beg him to go anywhere or do the smallest things with me. He makes me feel like I’m just being a pain in his ass and I don’t know what to do.
Do I continue to try hoping something will be different? Or do I let it go?
Both options make tears flow even harder down my face and I don’t know, is this my fault? Is this because I’m pregnant?…
What do I do?….


As time quickly passes.

My pregnancy has gone by so fast… It feels like just last week I was taking the test, well I should more say four tests. Alex had bought me a box with two after I’d said I was waiting on my period, I thought I was crazy, it being 4 in the morning, after I’d just woken up, I thought my eyes were messing with me. Later, on my way home from work I picked up one more box of tests and took those two as well. Some may think I’m crazy for taking so many, but before I went to the doctor or even told my family I wanted to feel at least 75% positive. Ironically, this all happened the week Alex and I moved into our apartment and I had just taken on a new position at work, that I later requested to give up for the time being.
Now, here I am 5 months later and approaching all the milestones in my pregnancy. The other day Alex and I created baby registry’s at both Babies R Us and Walmart, I’m happy to have finally really taken a look at baby items. Alex and I’s main choices for bedding came down to Mickey Mouse and Lion King. Knowing I’ve seen a million Mickey Mouse baby items we chose Mickey Mouse hoping it would be easier to find matching items. We both love Disney movies and decided not to limit ourselves to just Mickey Mouse, but Disney as the theme altogether, which is quite alright with me. Next big milestone is the baby shower.
My mom has started all the baby shower planning, but the only thing set in stone is the date. I didn’t want to be 8 months pregnant having the baby shower that would be cutting it close when knowing I have to wash and set up everything, but I think having it at 7 months gives us enough time to at least get washed and set up what he needs, so late March it is. But more goes into planning a baby shower than just a date. I have to decide who to invite, worry about hurting someone’s feelings if I don’t invite them, what games to play, a theme if we decide to use one… I truly didn’t realize how much deciding there would be. I’m too indecisive.
After my baby shower it’s not going to be long before my little man is here. I’m starting to get really excited! I realized that while in the baby stores wanting to buy everything and imagining using it. I can’t wait until my son arrives.
As always, I love you little one.

Thoughts of time travel.

Recently, Alex and I have been rewatching the series Bones on Netflix. Today we came to the episode where the victim was interested in time travel. The characters began asking each other where they would go if possible and Alex asked me where I would go.
It didn’t take me long to come up with an answer… I would go back to a time when my Gammaw (my dad’s mom) was still alive. I would have to make myself a list of all the things I wanted to tell her or talk to her about. I feel I could use her advice and a comforting hug. I would give anything for another moment with her.
I love and miss you Gammaw.
If time travel were possible, where would you go?

New Year’s Goals

I am definitely late on this, but I wanted/needed to set goals for myself none the less and I want this blog to be about life in every aspect. Hopefully posting my goals will put more pressure on me to be dedicated to achieving these goals.

1.Focus on Alex and I’s family, our progression and our happiness.

I spend more of my time, more than I’d even like to admit, worrying about others and their problems. This year I want to focus on my little family, doing everything Alex and I can to achieve our goals in life while still maintaining happiness.

2. Go back to school, this may sound weird to some, but I miss it.

Sometime this year I’d like to go back to school. I don’t necessarily care what it is I’m going to study, but I want deeply to learn anything new.

3. Get an idea on what I want for mine and my families future.

So far Alex and I have started getting our ideas about what we’d like for our lives, but this year I want us to really gather a plan. Although, I don’t want us rushing into anything, I do think we could push ourselves a little harder to get started.

4. Smile more.

This is important to me and after my first goal, this may sound redundant, but I’ve let the silliest things keep me from being happy and enjoying life. I’m tired of being upset and unhappy when I have so many reasons to enjoy life.

5. Put more focus/energy into becoming healthier, for myself and my child.

This is something I’ve said throughout my entire pregnancy. Even before my pregnancy, if I’m being honest and as far as grocery shopping goes I began taking the steps necessary to achieve this goal, but the steps after often get tossed aside. I’ve had every intention of eating healthier, I’ve even tried to set small goals, knowing myself and knowing I’m not going to give up every unhealthy thing day one. But yet, I’m constantly letting myself down. This year I plan to find some way to finally achieve this goal, even if it is only step by step and I haven’t gotten myself exactly where I’d like by next year.

My next step after posting this is to create and print an appealing paper for me to post somewhere I’ll look at every day. Giving myself no excuse not to work on my goals.


Almost 4 months on our own.

We’ve been living on our own in our apartment for almost 4 months now and I don’t know if I can say we’ve truly learned any specifics so far, but I can share some of my pros, cons, and general details.

If I didn’t say I’ve been loving having our own space I’d be omitting one of the best parts of apartment life/living on our own. In our own place we play by our own rules, for the most part. We hold the ability to decorate and set every room up as we please. Honestly, we didn’t have too outrageous of ideas for our rooms, but the option there is a nice touch and I truly love having our own stove and full size fridge. My step mom before has stopped me from cooking at like 9pm when my friend and I had wanted to bake some cookies, she told me it was too late. Now, with my own apartment and stove, I could bake a three tier cake at 3am if I so chose. Even though we don’t cook as often as we’d like we’re enjoying cooking what we want, when we want. Also I’m loving the independence that comes with moving out and paying for things on your own. But having to pay for things on your own can also be looked at in a negative light.

We spend almost $700 just on rent, to just have the ability to hold keys and walk into this place. Then you include this past months electric bill was $120, water at $40 and then we have each of our separate bills including our phone and insurance. Meal planning is another difficult task that comes along with living on your own. Alex and I haven’t done well getting on a schedule meal planning and buying groceries and I see it taking us a good amount of time before we actually get the hang of this. All of this truly. Living on our own and everything involved.

We still haven’t finished unpacking every box or organizing each room, but we are slowly getting things done. I’m realizing we had a large amount of crap between the two of us. Emphasis on crap because we truly could get rid of a lot of it, but everything has its own meaning to one of us so we’re hesitant to get rid of anything so the piles keep getting larger.

One piece of furniture we didn’t have was an entertainment center, besides my old one that was made to sit in the corner of a room and was beat to hell and back. Alex began coming up with his variety of ideas about what we would do to get everything off the floor. Since Alex, recently, has been in a project mood he decided to buy, stain, and put up shelves to put the TV and game consuls on.


We’re still looking to organize better and gather the cords in a more appealing manner, but for now it gets the consuls off the floor and the TV up higher. It serves it’s purpose. This was one piece Alex and I didn’t get to buying before we moved.

Even after my ideas/hopes of gathering all we need for moving out, I’m still finding a variety of things we still need. So we are continuing to gather what we feel are necessities and slowly gaining control of our own life and enjoying our ability to provide for ourselves. We can only get better from here, or at least that’s the hope, right?


Quickly Progressing


The picture above of course is a previous week, but it was one of the first pictures I took that I truly felt I looked pregnant and I loved it, I still love it.

Today I am 16 weeks or 4 months, however one may look at it. According to my baby app our baby is 4.6in in size, 3.5 oz, the size of an avocado. It’s amazing thinking how small my baby is inside of me.

Weeks ago my baby app told me that in that week my baby’s most critical part of their organ system developed. Everything’s happening so quickly I’ve barely had time to adjust. But I’ve been lucky through this pregnancy so far, my symptoms have included mild nausea very occasionally, back ache, and I can definitely see the difference in my sense of smell and hormones, but my fiancĂ©’s cousin is saddled with constant nausea leaving her throwing up more often than not. I feel grateful, but worry that means I’ll face something more challenging in the future. I aim to continue to remain positive, but I don’t always succeed in doing so, especially with my hormones now.

I think my hormones are also what’s getting me so excited. I’m going to have a baby. I never had much of a career dream as a child, but I always knew I wanted to be a mother and now I’m getting to do so. I’m also getting to do it with a man I love and who loves me.

Although Alex doesn’t want to admit it, he likes kids, anyone who watches when there’s a kid who likes him can see that he lights up. I think he’s going to be a good dad and I think he’s finally getting to a point he’s feeling some excitement. He’s looking up onesies on amazon, most of which being silly like one saying “I’ve done 9 months hard time.” Honestly, thinking that will be one we have to get for our newborn. I love it. As for our first piece of baby clothing, it was ordered by Alex. Amazon’s 1-click buy button betrayed him, but the onesie happens to be adorable.

11-27-15 First OnesieOf course, not everyone will understand it if they haven’t heard the song, but we will and those close to us will as well, I love it and I love that Alex bought the first piece of clothing.I can’t wait to find out what we have so we can buy more.

I love you, little one.

Nov. 27th, 2015 2:30pm


Ready to be back.

It’s been a long while since I’ve truly been on my blog. Or even on this site. Since Alex and I moved in we have been going through a lot. Not just the usual moving in adjusting.

Not even a week after we moved in Alex and I found out we are expecting. I’ve been to the doctor and I’m due May 12th, 2016. As of yesterday I am 3 months pregnant. On top of us just trying to settle in and figure out how we’ll work cleaning, and everything that goes along with living on our own together, we’ve been trying to figure out how we’ll handle the bills of a child, who will watch our child while we work, ect. There is so much that goes into taking care of and raising a child and we’ve been over thinking it all.

Adjusting to my pregnancy symptoms, that’s been a task all on it’s own. The symptoms haven’t truly been terrible, but something different still. Right before I took a test I’d mainly noticed that my boobs were constantly sore and I hadn’t really had an appetite. Neither of these really lead me to believe I was pregnant. I was expecting my period the same week and sore boobs go with the territory sometimes for me. Since I’ve found out, I’ve experience sudden nausea very rarely, I’ve definitely noticed that my sense of smell is heightened and I’ve been extremely exhausted. Napping pretty much every day after work. Yesterday, in fact, I got off work at 2, came home and relaxed for a couple hours then fell asleep at maybe 4 or 5 and didn’t wake up until almost 8 this morning.

I’m excited and terrified all at once and struggling to handle everything that is going on right now. But writing and blogging are outlets that truly let me get things off my chest and I need to get back to both.

Oct. 31st, 2015 12:03pm

Happy Halloween!